....no more.

break a bad habit

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@yoga_girl’s challenge for Day 5 is about breaking a bad habit. I have many to choose from - I worry too much, get carried away too easily by negative thoughts, my brain usually jumps to the worse case scenario, I curse like a Quentin Tarantino movie, eat a bunch of things my body does not like, I don’t know how to be anything but busy, I’m judgemental, and the list goes on…  

I chose a couple of bad habits to break because, well, that’s just my style. Not to mention, it’s only 16 days. How bad can 16 days be?

Hopefully, the removal of these habits - or at least just the effort put forth in the attempt, regardless of the outcome -  will shift something creating more space for good things to flow into my life.

Here’s my list (and the whys):

  1. NO Complaining - there are a couple of stagnant situations in my life right now that I bitch about on the regular. I’m actually sick of hearing myself (over and over) so I can’t even imagine how others, who have to listen to me, feel. I’m sorry! No More. With the complaining I think I will throw out any negative chatter coming from my mouth, period. And any gossip too.  
  2. NO Food That Makes Me Feel Like Crap - the list here includes: alcohol, dairy, anything processed, sugar, and white carbs like white bread, pasta, blah blah blah. My pendulum swings hard with my eating habits. When I eat poorly, I have less energy, my brain feels foggy, I’m less motivated to exercise, I’m irritable with mood swings, my skin gets really dry, I look tired, and overall, I just feel off. Now, there is one caveat here - it’s my birthday on Thursday. If I feel like having a couple of bites of birthday cake (this does not mean a huge slice), or if I want to go to Sugarfish and eat some delicious Nowaza style shrimp sushi - I’m going to. But, I promise I won’t go overboard (this is not a Tim Ferris- style cheat day).
  3. NO Phone During the First Two Hours of Waking Up - I think this one may be the most challenging for me because I’m so used to checking my phone. It’s maddening. I answer work emails and messages as quickly as humanly possible, even waking up in the middle of the night sometimes to do so! Let me also mention the cursed Candy Crush procrastination problem I’ve recently developed. FML. My plan is to turn off my phone (and my computer) well before bed and leave them off until two hours after I wake up. Simply typing this out is giving me a bit of anxiety. Amazing. 

So, yeah - these are the bad habits I’m breaking with this challenge. Please send me good vibes - I’ll need it. I’ll let you know how it goes. Thanks for reading, I can use all the support I can get.

Namaste

random acts of kindness (part 1)

Day 4 of @yoga_girl’s challenge consisted of random acts of kindness. I’m already a big fan and, at the sound of sounding sexist, I feel most women are. We tend to be nurturers - individuals who find happiness in making others feel cherished. I don’t know, it could be my middle-eastern upbringing, but random kindness was not a big challenge. Being in the desert, where it was 114 degrees yesterday and rather secluded from people, that was the challenge.

Two of my friends and I did this together, which was nice. Thanks for being supportive ladies! We cut up a bunch of pieces of paper, then wrote random notes on them with a red Sharpie (I think we had 28 in total). Some of my favorites were:

  • Smile! You’re absolutely gorgeous!! 
  • Don’t ever forget…you’re AMAZING!
  • Happy Saturday! You are beautiful!
  • Filled with GRATITUDE for all you do!

We then went to a random parking lot in Palm Springs and put them on people’s windshields. It felt really weird as people would pull in and out of parking spaces and look at us suspiciously but it turned out to be fun (so was the dinner after, which would have never happened because we wouldn’t have left the house we’re staying in if it wasn’t for this challenge - win/WIN).

It’s definitely something I would do again (must remember this!). Thanks @yoga_girl - you made at least 31 people smile today. 

Namaste.

rise & shine!

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For Day 3 of the yoga challenge, @yoga_girl wanted us to wake up an hour earlier than usual and suggested a bunch of things to potentially add to our morning rituals. I woke up at 5:30am which hurt, like a mofo, but the darkness and silence felt peaceful.

Being awake, when everyone else is still asleep, feels wonderful. During the times of day when the majority of the city is sleeping (between 3am - 5am), I find inspiration comes easier, writing flows more effortlessly, and ideas are crystal clear. Maybe it’s because I’m so sensitive to other people’s energy, that when most people are asleep, there’s less static to deal with - which creates a lot of extra space and I can hear my intuition better. I have no way of actually proving this and it sounds pretty nutty as I write it out, but it feels like the truth, for me at least. 

The extra hour this morning allowed me to chill with Max - we snuggled a bunch and he sat on my mat while I did some sun salutations. We even meditated together.Time felt slower than usual, and I didn’t feel as rushed as I do each morning. It was an awesome way to set the tone for the rest of the day. I noticed more synchronicities today and felt a quietness usually not present in my day.

Later, as we drove to the desert (where I’m spending this weekend), my friend snapped a picture I’ve wanted forever (see above)…it kinda says it all. Thanks B!

I hope today you are in the presence of the right kind of love.

Namaste. 

10% happier

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Today marks Day 2 of Instagram’s @yoga_girl 21-day yoga challenge, with the theme of meditation. I was recently given Dan Harris’ book 10% Happier and I devoured it in a couple of days. It’s the true account of an ABC news anchor’s journey with spirituality and meditation. I do well with sarcasm so I really loved Dan’s story - it’s a very positive, inspiring story peppered with just the right amount of cynicism. It definitely got me on the meditation bandwagon again. 

I’ve been meditating as long as I’ve been doing yoga - probably over 20 years now but unlike yoga, meditation has never felt good or become easier for me. It’s always a huge challenge and I never really feel like I’m doing it right. 

I’ve taken classes. I’ve tried different methods. I’ve listened to cds and been guided. I’ve even gone so far as going to a vipassana retreat - where you can’t speak for 10 days - you can’t write, read, exercise, or communicate with the outside world (or anyone, for that matter, but your teacher every couple of days) either - you just meditate.

I had a very profound moment in vipassana (only one time in 10 days), where I felt what I have heard others who meditate describe - it was a feeling of timelessness. An hour went by in what felt like minutes. The cells in my body felt different, like I was floating and not solid. There was no chatter in my brain. My body felt like rays of light. And I felt radiant and peaceful, in harmony with everything else in the universe - the feeling of separateness completely ceased. It was weird. It was amazing. I rode that high for months. And it has never happened to me again.

Even though I still feel like I’m never doing it right and the struggle is real, every single time, I still find myself trying it on the regular. I feel it makes me less reactive. Meditating creates a bit more space between moments that cause me angst and my reaction to them. It stretches out the space just enough for me to avoid knee-jerk reactions.

Meditation also tames the crazy voice in my head - the one that automatically jumps to the worst case scenario, the voice that pumps me with fear and causes an immense amount of stress and chaos in my life. This voice never completely shuts up, but with regular meditation, it’s at least recognizable - in that I can recognize it’s my monkey mind, and then there is the possibility that I am able to just ignore it. Small victories. 

As cliche as this may be - I really enjoy the Oprah and Deepak meditation challenges. They are having one right now - I think it’s day four. They don’t take much time and it’s a nice way to start off the day.

Namaste. 

yoga every damn day

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Instagram’s @yoga_girl started a 21-day yoga challenge today. Historically, I’ve never been one for social media daily posting challenges, but I’m making this the exception.

I’ve been practicing yoga since I was a teenager. First Iyengar, then hatha, next flow…exploring the different techniques one by one, figuring out which flowed best with my body. I completed YogaWork’s 200 hour teacher training in the spring of 2009 and the experience changed me forever.

We studied the sutras, Rumi, Buddhism, mindfulness and meditation in the philosophy portion of the training. Practiced asanas methodically - stretching intensely, bending and opening physically and emotionally.

I watched one of my classmate’s transform before my eyes. Samantha’s belly was tiny when started, at four months pregnant, on our first class. She was still maintaining two-hour asanas a couple times a week in her ninth month and gave birth naturally to a beautiful, healthy baby, two weeks after the program ended. I marveled at how strong and pliable the human body can be.

It was the first winter I’d spent in NYC without leaving once. No Miami heat. No Saint Martin refuge. No get away. We met every weekend so there was no relief from the snow, sleet and ice cold wind. My thin California skin had never acclimated to the east coast winter, even after seven years living in the city. I felt tested every day. 

I worked full-time in investment banking, on Park Avenue in pencil skirts and stilettos all day, then studied human anatomy and the history of yoga by night. I spent every Saturday and Sunday in a yoga studio in midtown, being consistently pushed outside of my comfort zone by our instructor, Jodie Rufty. That much yoga changes your essence.   

In order to survive the intensity of the winter and so much work and yoga, I had to become super focused. Totally dedicated. A change in lifestyle was necessary. I became vegan and didn’t drink for the entire three months. This was an immense change from my normal 65-hour work weeks, balanced by champagne-infused blurry nights, and little rest. Each week essentially melted together with the prior, no real beginning or end.

The change felt amazing. By April, I was ready to leave my job and soon after I gradually phased myself out of New York City, as well (I still miss it FYI). I maintained a very regular yoga practice until last year, when I’m not sure what exactly changed. All I know, for certain, is yoga started feeling like an obligation. My mind was reeling against me while holding Warrior II. Anything involving balance was beyond challenging. And I found myself making a lot of excuses to miss class. 

This challenge came at the perfect time. My body is craving yoga and my monkey-mind needs to be tamed. Thank you @yoga_girl for giving me the perfect excuse to bring yoga into my daily life again. Namaste. 

Free the boobies. @freethenipplelives #freethenipple

Free the boobies. @freethenipplelives #freethenipple

Starve all my fears. #ilovethis #regram

Starve all my fears. #ilovethis #regram

My version of patriotic. #murika

My version of patriotic. #murika

scar tissue

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“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ~Rumi

Cutters. People who use their skin as ashtrays. Self-mutilators. I see you, now. I get it.

My worst fear came true a few days ago. That thing.

The fear that pops up quietly but suddenly grips your core. The thought that makes your heart pound in your ears. Your stomach churn. The one you try and shush but comes back swinging. Hard.

That feeling of total and utter panic. Anxiety at it’s finest. Robbing your heart, of peace. Your brain, of sense. Sweeping away all that is good, and leaving utter devastation, and total confusion in it’s wake.

It happened. 

Everything went dark, like thick, opaque curtains blocking the rising sun. Then, the light disappeared completely.

We all have one such fear, I think, or 100 (depending…I had two). Some are just better at silencing theirs - starving Adora, the lizard that lives in the brain. So much for evolution. You’d think by now human beings would have shed that little bitch - we’re not being chased by lions in the brush any longer. It’s been a few years. 

Two days later, my other fear manifested. Back-to-back (clearly, I’m a very powerful manifester, you’d think I’d learn to control my thoughts, and focus on better things, by now). This second blow was different. Worse. Deeper. One of those pattern fears that rears it’s ugly head every few years. A lesson I’m clearly missing that desperately wants to be learned. 

And then, just like that, I understood the idea of self-mutilation. It breaks you down to your most vulnerable, fragile state. It’s an anecdote to the ego. The ultimate silencer. Everything goes calm. Kinda like being under water.  

For the past few days I’ve been somewhere between here and someplace else. A feeling of floating in space trying so hard to grasp at something to ground me. The harder I reach, the farther I float away. It’s fucking scary. 

In this space, you make stupid mistakes, constantly. Lose keys. Turn the house upside down looking for your iPhone when you’re holding it in your hand. Forget concert tickets. And people you were supposed to meet. And you accidentally burn the shit out of yourself taking something out of the toaster oven.

3rd degree burn. Searing pain. Definitely an ugly scar. Mind numbing. 

For the next hour or so, I felt grounded. Present. Writhing in physical pain that was so intense, I was unable to access the past or the future - remaining in that place every spiritual book, meditation, speaker, whatever - talks about. The power of being in the now. Because the now was so loud. There was no room for emotional pain. In a lot of ways, that burn, was total relief.

I’m not condoning self-mutilation, FYI. There are plenty of socially acceptable and less harmful ways to bring physical pain upon oneself, if you’re so inclined to do so. Most people do it in some way - tattoos, running long distances (just try a half-marathon for starters), back-to-back SoulCycle classes, the Master Cleanse, piercings, CrossFit, extreme sports…pick your poison. Don’t cut.

Lucky, or maybe unlucky, for me (the jury is still out)…I could never burn or cut myself on purpose. I’m too shallow (scars) and too afraid of being crazy, to go there. But I get it now. No more judgement. Just total empathy. It is a relief.

All that aside…I think the edges of another truth started forming in the aftermath of the burn. It was a total surrender to my fragility. There was no other choice, the pain made me completely helpless and vulnerable.

Maybe that is where the comfort lies. Giving into who I am instead of fighting myself so hard. 

I’ve always been super sensitive. Thin-skinned. I was just born that way, literally (I was such a premi, I spent weeks in the hospital in an incubator with translucent skin).

When I was a kid, my parents mission was to toughen me up - don’t be such a baby, it’s only blood, that’s nothing to be upset about, if someone picks on you, ignore them, there’s no point in talking about your feelings, life is hard, so you’re not going to get through it being so sensitive, calm down, deal with it, life isn’t fair, toughen up, blahblahblah

There was little empathy for my emotional fragility - it was so overwhelming for my parents to deal with, it felt like I was just an annoyance somehow. They detached when they felt my pain. I was something that had to be dealt with. Sensitivity was like profanity in our house (I’ve only seen my parents cry over death) and instead of comforting me when I was hurting, which is all I wanted, they withdrew their attention. I was accused of being irrational and ridiculous, instead.

They were trying to help, I realize this, but they made me worse. The more they withdrew, the sterner they became, the less they empathized with me, the more intense my discomfort became. The more sensitive I became.

Whatever. They were just doing their best. I know they adore me. No finger pointing. That’s not the point. Everyone, is just doing their best in life. It’s not personal. 

It’s ironic that as I’m writing this now I can so clearly see my relationship patterns. What happened the other day. The nightmare I can’t seem to wake up from. The same drama playing itself out in my most intimate relationship. It’s tied to my deepest fears.

I’m still looking for someone to make me better. Someone to comfort me. Someone who is willing to handle my emotions. I’m still just waiting for someone to accept me the way I am and just love me instead of rejecting my fragility. And I’m still drawing in those who can’t/won’t/refuse to support me in that way.

And in my desperation, I hurt those I love the most. I overwhelm, confound, corner, smother, and trap. Without intention. With no ill will. With zero malice. I shut down. I reach blindly for comfort in the most damaging way possible. I make my presence deafening and intrusive. I push. And I push.

I’m wired to feel this is the necessary behavior to be loved. To be seen. To be comforted. Without even the slightest recognition of what I’m doing, until I’ve pushed too far. And only after I’ve finished doing the exact opposite of what my intent was, I realize what I’ve done, and how much pain I’ve caused. Then the guilt sets in… 

I’m tired. It’s exhausting.  

I would like to get to the point of vulnerability and surrender that that burn inflicted, without the physical pain. I would love to accept my fragility. I think the road to this is figuring out how to stop fighting myself. I am who I am and this is who I have always been. Hating that fragile part of me, going against my nature, and judging myself for it, perpetuates a pattern that needs to be resolved. I have no idea where to begin.

Maybe just being hurt instead of trying to be tough is a start. Maybe instead of trying to control and rationalize emotional pain, I need to just succumb to its discomfort. Maybe instead of lashing out like a destructive ball of fire, trying to self-soothe, which has NEVER worked, I need to withdraw, surrender, feel what I’m feeling - without feeling like I’m failing somehow.

Maybe I need to learn to ask for comfort from a place of vulnerability instead of attack. Actually open my mouth and say the words: I’m hurting, please make it better, without feeling I’m wrong and weak. And then, actually trusting that the comfort will show up.

Maybe not that exact second. Maybe not in the exact way I’d hoped (because everyone has their own patterns they’re dealing with). But just having faith in someone will make the difference - not always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not always expecting to be let down. Maybe then, the pattern will be broken. 

It’s time to bury the hatchet, with myself. I’m going to take some time and mourn the death of the person I thought I needed to be. The Neelou with a high tolerance for pain needs to be buried. I am not tough. And I have no desire to be. That’s done now.

Death breeds rebirth and in time, I need to embrace the me I’ve always rejected. How can anyone love me for who I really am, if I won’t love myself for it? As long as I continue to judge and reject myself, someone else will too. 

So, it’s time to transform into someone new, shapeshift - integrate all of my parts into a whole, more balanced, true self. Someone who can just accept what is with grace and integrity. One who can accept love without a need to control because faith and trust flow freely in her heart. 

Wish me luck.

be light

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It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days… Lightly, lightly - it’s the best advice ever given me… So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling…

~Aldous Huxley

I am a really sensitive person. I hate to admit it, but it’s true. Until now I’ve viewed sensitive people as weak and inferior somehow - fragile, complicated, intense and overwhelming. All qualities I don’t have a real appreciation for. But denying my essence results in a break with myself and my own true nature, causing little fissures of chaos in my life. Not to mention, it’s this same sensitivity that fuels my greatest gifts. Two sides of the same coin. 

In any situation that peaks my emotional nature, the more I try and be tough and detached, the more my sensitivity grows, exponentially. It’s a slippery slope. But if I just admit my emotions, bravely acknowledge them, without the fear of being swallowed up by what I’m feeling, or being judged, the issue starts dissolving, immediately. 

Incidentally, as I’m writing this, I took a 20 second Instagram break and a friend just posted this message: Don’t forget that you’re human. It’s okay to have a melt down. Just don’t unpack and live there. Cry it out and then refocus on where you’re headed. Yup. Agreed. There are signs and messages everywhere. 

For people like me, and there are a lot of us out there, I feel the only way to really find balance is the quote that begins this blog (you nailed it on the head Mr. Huxley and I wish you were still alive so I could have a conversation with you about it). It’s about choosing to be light. Always. Over and over. And over again. It’s about a willingness to look at every situation you’re faced with and take that moment to acknowledge that there is a chance, even if it’s only a 2% chance, that things aren’t exactly as they seem. It’s about a willingness for a change in perspective - to take the road of the Kabbalist or Marianne Williamson, or the shaman, or whatever belief system works for you. 

I have to accept that I’m not a super simple, happy-go-lucky, careless individual. It’s just not my nature. And it has never been, even when I was a kid. A hummingbird will never be a dolphin but it doesn’t mean that one creature is superior to the other. At the same time, there is also something to be said about holding on to baggage and letting life’s quicksands suck you down. That is a decision. It has less to do with who you are then what you are choosing to feed. Just thinking about it makes me want to stop writing and nap. It’s such a dense vibration.

Today, I had a long overdue conversation with someone who played a huge role in my past. A relationship that has defined much of who I am. My take away from our convo isn’t exactly what I’d hoped it would be but it was exactly what I needed. The only choice I have in life and love is to move forward, lightly. That the only way to prevent baggage, and the past, from sinking its teeth into your present, or future, is to recognize it, acknowledge it, and then let that energy move. Worrying about repeating patterns, trying to figure out why or how, and having regrets just keeps you in that same place. It makes the very thing you are trying to avoid, inevitable. It’s like wearing ankle weights in the ocean. 

It’s been like seven years. I’m tired of treading water. 

Today is a full moon, Lena from The Power Path says: 

This full moon provides an opportunity to commit to experiencing your life with more ease, harmony and synchronicity. It is also possible at this time to integrate your lessons, experiences, all the change you are allowing and all the progress you are making. It is also a good time to bring all those big dreams and intentions into the present, grounding them, and making them practical and tangible. Make a plan and commit to taking the first baby step in the plan required to manifest them. Its a great time to pray for what you want!

It’s also Purim. A time that, Kabbalistically, is about the removal of doubt. Uncertainty is so ingrained into us, well into me at least, that we are blindly conditioned to it. That’s why the greatest challenge we face in life is defeating our own doubt. The energy that is available today is about removal of this doubt. It is about having total faith in the light and maintaining certainty through challenges. I’m pretty sure it’s not a coincidence that it’s the month of March, with the theme of commitment, a full moon and Purim all on the same day with the vernal equinox just a couple of days away.

This has been a very interesting week to say the least. It’s not comfortable by any stretch of the imagination, actually quite the opposite. I feel like every fiber of my being is being stretched and I feel like I’m being tested and pushed to my absolute limits. My biggest insecurities, my deepest fears, all surfacing simultaneously. 

Today, this week, is a time when personal change is fully supported by the Universe and I’m not going to let the illusion of denseness pull me down. Lightly - I’m trying to just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them - take Mr. Huxley’s advice - because really, what other choice do any of us have? If you want to fly to the greatest heights and see magic all around, you gotta be light. There is no other way.  

commitment during Kapha season

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According to The Power Path (which has always been really on point for me, and others who subscribe to their monthly newsletters agree - be your own judge), the theme for the month of March is commitment. I feel the entire monthly forecast can be perfectly summed up in the following three paragraphs:

There is “waiting for and allowing right timing”, and then there is such a thing as showing the universe that you are ready for that right timing to show up. It is called commitment. When you have commitment, there is no back door, there is no turning back and there is no ambivalence or condition under which you will proceed or not proceed.

Until you are committed there is always a chance to change your mind. Some of you are masters at keeping everything just in that place of “not quite there”. This is due to the fear of being trapped or the fear of failing once committed. What is actually true is that there is great freedom once you commit to something. Commitment allows you to release the ambivalence and resistance that takes so much emotional and psychological energy, and it gives the universe something to work with. Commitments are rewarded, ambivalence is not.

There is a part of commitment that supports the cycle of completion. Once you have released your energy behind something you have committed to, it is on a trajectory towards a goal. You need to give this energy a chance to land where it is destined. If you keep yanking it back, you will end up with many incomplete actions and lots of loose ends.

Commitment, or maybe I should say, the lack there of, has been a huge theme in my life and it feels like it’s come to a head this month. Shit tends to repeat in patterns until you learn the lesson, right?

Up until now, I’ve always felt extreme discomfort when trying to make decisions. Even menus too big, like at Jerry’s Deli, send me into a bit of a panic. I can never really decide on anything and feel certain in my decision - a twinge of self-doubt always looms in the back of my mind whispering, What if you made the wrong choice?  

After reading this month’s Power Path forecast, and after some recent occurrences for me personally, I’ve had a complete transformation in perception. I can suddenly see clearly the areas of my life I struggle with, are the exact same areas I’m unwilling to commit in - always one toe in, one toe out. I have a loosey-goosey-airy-fairy-Bohemian flair (masked beneath a very put together, I’ve got my shit straight and know exactly what I’m doing exterior), always fluttering from one flower to the next, never committing myself 100% percent to too many things. I’ve perfected the art of maintaing a wait-and-see attitude about all things - where to live, who to love, what to do in business. I’ll try it and see how it goes, has unknowingly been my motto, until now.  

I dive head first into whatever I’m doing, but in all honesty, I’m kind of a fair-weathered being. Well that’s not entirely accurate. It’s more like, I am in it, 100%, until I’m done. And then I’m 100% done. There’s no wiggle room. No repairing. No back to the drawing board. No convincing me otherwise. With the same conviction that I believed in something at the start, when I’m done, I’m over it. Does that even make sense? If you know me, it will.  

Ya. That’s not working out so well. There isn’t enough at stake to push anything I really care about to a place where it feels solid and in full-bloom. It only took me 35 years to see this, but better late than never. Eh?

Another layer to this time of year is that we are currently in Kapha season (there are two separate links, one on each word) - the time of year where winter melts into spring. It’s a time to cleanse one’s mind/body/soul and then cultivate intense change and transformation with intent- just like Mama Earth. It can be a lethargic, difficult switch but there are ground rules that can help us be efficient with our energy during this time, reaping the most positive results.  Here’s what’s worked for me:

  1. Get really quiet in your mind, and find a relaxed, calming place and time to do some serious contemplation.
  2. Make a list of the areas of your life that are important to you - mine are: me (personally), my relationships (friends/family/love), my environment (including home), my health (and physical body), and my spiritual practice (meditation, gratitude…).
  3. Look at what is flourishing/struggling in those areas and be honest with yourself. Contemplate and acknowledge blockages, without being hard on yourself. For example, with regard to relationships - consider the fact that we accept the love we think we deserve. How is love showing up in your life? And what does that mean you think you deserve? If it’s working, amazing! If not, time to change the belief system. And so on…
  4. Decide with your heart and intuition, first and foremost (not your rational, fear-based, reptilian rationale), what you need to feel balance and fulfillment in the areas you’ve listed.
  5. Then, write down your needs clearly (some examples from my own list: healthy body, quiet mind, time to write, daily Max hangs, a calm, welcoming home…).
  6. Next, start spring cleaning and contemplate your list. Clean out your closets. Throw things away. Part with stuff from the past you’re unnecessarily attached to. There is so much energy in the physical removal of clutter. Move to various parts of your home and office. Even cross items off your to-do list. Do you need to be doing every task on there? Clean out everything
  7. After cleaning, taking hopefully about a week, revisit your list of needs - add what feels right to include and erase what doesn’t really serve you. Finalize this list and write it out clearly.
  8. Next, make action steps that you are willing to commit to for the next three to six months. March is the month of putting yourself 100% behind your choices and decisions. It is the month of the vernal equinox, the Persian Nowrooz, a very significant day in most cultures (and soon following Easter, Passover, etc.) with themes of rebirth, renewal, and transformation. Set new rules and weed out habits that are not currently working for you - keep these steps in line with what your heart and intuition revealed will bring you the most balance. 
  9. Close your eyes and visualize what will happen if you stick to your list for the next season or two. Get excited! Like smiling stupidly excited!! 
  10. In the days and weeks to come, no matter what, maintain the items on your list. Even if you start doubting. Even if it’s hard. And mostly, on the days you least want to. If you need some motivation, repeat step nine. 
  11. Our new mantra: Discipline. Follow-through. Commitment. 

xo, 

N

enough

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I woke up in the middle of the night with a blazing fever. It was so high, I actually felt altered, weaving between consciousness and another dimension. It felt a little bit like Ayahuasca, without the lessons or realizations - bright colors, too bright, portals, time travel, conversations with people so real, I felt they were sitting in my bedroom. 

I’ve been sick, on and off (mostly on), for about a month now. I rarely get ill, even when those closest to me are. Actually, I haven’t even had a legit cold, in over two years. I feel dreadful. And I honestly can’t take it anymore.

During the waking hours of the sun, my fever finally began to subside and I had a moment of clarity. I’m sick because there are some serious changes that need to be made in my life. Every major aspect of my existence is in some state of chaos - work, love, physical body, state of mind - and instead of just taking baby steps to alter my current path, I’ve been handing my power over to others. My present reality is that of a jellyfish - mostly helpless, being whisked around by the currents and violent tides, just stinging anything that scares me. That state of being is toxic. Thus, so am I. 

No more. It’s my life and no dysfunctional situations or people are welcome in it any longer. Under any circumstances. Whatever crutches I’m holding onto, they’re about to be chucked. Whomever I am letting control my peace of mind, I am taking control back from. 

And when I hit the little “post” button below, it is my clear intention to the Universe that serious change is imminent.

Any person or situation taking space in my life, must take serious steps to transform their own energy to flow in peace with mine. Confusion, chaos, fear - from others or myself is no longer welcome. Period. All lovelessness must be transmuted into love. Any disfunction or disease, into function and ease.

Without struggle, fear, or even remorse I will easily release anything that is not vibrating at the frequency of love in my surroundings. And with an open heart, put the final nail in it’s coffin. 

And so it is…

Maybe if I get this tattooed on my skin, it will it become a part of my DNA, for eternity… #lessons #learned #overandover #walkthewalk #rumi #love #fear #groundhogday

Maybe if I get this tattooed on my skin, it will it become a part of my DNA, for eternity… #lessons #learned #overandover #walkthewalk #rumi #love #fear #groundhogday