....no more.

Free the boobies. @freethenipplelives #freethenipple

Free the boobies. @freethenipplelives #freethenipple

Starve all my fears. #ilovethis #regram

Starve all my fears. #ilovethis #regram

My version of patriotic. #murika

My version of patriotic. #murika

scar tissue

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“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ~Rumi

Cutters. People who use their skin as ashtrays. Self-mutilators. I see you, now. I get it.

My worst fear came true a few days ago. That thing.

The fear that pops up quietly but suddenly grips your core. The thought that makes your heart pound in your ears. Your stomach churn. The one you try and shush but comes back swinging. Hard.

That feeling of total and utter panic. Anxiety at it’s finest. Robbing your heart, of peace. Your brain, of sense. Sweeping away all that is good, and leaving utter devastation, and total confusion in it’s wake.

It happened. 

Everything went dark, like thick, opaque curtains blocking the rising sun. Then, the light disappeared completely.

We all have one such fear, I think, or 100 (depending…I had two). Some are just better at silencing theirs - starving Adora, the lizard that lives in the brain. So much for evolution. You’d think by now human beings would have shed that little bitch - we’re not being chased by lions in the brush any longer. It’s been a few years. 

Two days later, my other fear manifested. Back-to-back (clearly, I’m a very powerful manifester, you’d think I’d learn to control my thoughts, and focus on better things, by now). This second blow was different. Worse. Deeper. One of those pattern fears that rears it’s ugly head every few years. A lesson I’m clearly missing that desperately wants to be learned. 

And then, just like that, I understood the idea of self-mutilation. It breaks you down to your most vulnerable, fragile state. It’s an anecdote to the ego. The ultimate silencer. Everything goes calm. Kinda like being under water.  

For the past few days I’ve been somewhere between here and someplace else. A feeling of floating in space trying so hard to grasp at something to ground me. The harder I reach, the farther I float away. It’s fucking scary. 

In this space, you make stupid mistakes, constantly. Lose keys. Turn the house upside down looking for your iPhone when you’re holding it in your hand. Forget concert tickets. And people you were supposed to meet. And you accidentally burn the shit out of yourself taking something out of the toaster oven.

3rd degree burn. Searing pain. Definitely an ugly scar. Mind numbing. 

For the next hour or so, I felt grounded. Present. Writhing in physical pain that was so intense, I was unable to access the past or the future - remaining in that place every spiritual book, meditation, speaker, whatever - talks about. The power of being in the now. Because the now was so loud. There was no room for emotional pain. In a lot of ways, that burn, was total relief.

I’m not condoning self-mutilation, FYI. There are plenty of socially acceptable and less harmful ways to bring physical pain upon oneself, if you’re so inclined to do so. Most people do it in some way - tattoos, running long distances (just try a half-marathon for starters), back-to-back SoulCycle classes, the Master Cleanse, piercings, CrossFit, extreme sports…pick your poison. Don’t cut.

Lucky, or maybe unlucky, for me (the jury is still out)…I could never burn or cut myself on purpose. I’m too shallow (scars) and too afraid of being crazy, to go there. But I get it now. No more judgement. Just total empathy. It is a relief.

All that aside…I think the edges of another truth started forming in the aftermath of the burn. It was a total surrender to my fragility. There was no other choice, the pain made me completely helpless and vulnerable.

Maybe that is where the comfort lies. Giving into who I am instead of fighting myself so hard. 

I’ve always been super sensitive. Thin-skinned. I was just born that way, literally (I was such a premi, I spent weeks in the hospital in an incubator with translucent skin).

When I was a kid, my parents mission was to toughen me up - don’t be such a baby, it’s only blood, that’s nothing to be upset about, if someone picks on you, ignore them, there’s no point in talking about your feelings, life is hard, so you’re not going to get through it being so sensitive, calm down, deal with it, life isn’t fair, toughen up, blahblahblah

There was little empathy for my emotional fragility - it was so overwhelming for my parents to deal with, it felt like I was just an annoyance somehow. They detached when they felt my pain. I was something that had to be dealt with. Sensitivity was like profanity in our house (I’ve only seen my parents cry over death) and instead of comforting me when I was hurting, which is all I wanted, they withdrew their attention. I was accused of being irrational and ridiculous, instead.

They were trying to help, I realize this, but they made me worse. The more they withdrew, the sterner they became, the less they empathized with me, the more intense my discomfort became. The more sensitive I became.

Whatever. They were just doing their best. I know they adore me. No finger pointing. That’s not the point. Everyone, is just doing their best in life. It’s not personal. 

It’s ironic that as I’m writing this now I can so clearly see my relationship patterns. What happened the other day. The nightmare I can’t seem to wake up from. The same drama playing itself out in my most intimate relationship. It’s tied to my deepest fears.

I’m still looking for someone to make me better. Someone to comfort me. Someone who is willing to handle my emotions. I’m still just waiting for someone to accept me the way I am and just love me instead of rejecting my fragility. And I’m still drawing in those who can’t/won’t/refuse to support me in that way.

And in my desperation, I hurt those I love the most. I overwhelm, confound, corner, smother, and trap. Without intention. With no ill will. With zero malice. I shut down. I reach blindly for comfort in the most damaging way possible. I make my presence deafening and intrusive. I push. And I push.

I’m wired to feel this is the necessary behavior to be loved. To be seen. To be comforted. Without even the slightest recognition of what I’m doing, until I’ve pushed too far. And only after I’ve finished doing the exact opposite of what my intent was, I realize what I’ve done, and how much pain I’ve caused. Then the guilt sets in… 

I’m tired. It’s exhausting.  

I would like to get to the point of vulnerability and surrender that that burn inflicted, without the physical pain. I would love to accept my fragility. I think the road to this is figuring out how to stop fighting myself. I am who I am and this is who I have always been. Hating that fragile part of me, going against my nature, and judging myself for it, perpetuates a pattern that needs to be resolved. I have no idea where to begin.

Maybe just being hurt instead of trying to be tough is a start. Maybe instead of trying to control and rationalize emotional pain, I need to just succumb to its discomfort. Maybe instead of lashing out like a destructive ball of fire, trying to self-soothe, which has NEVER worked, I need to withdraw, surrender, feel what I’m feeling - without feeling like I’m failing somehow.

Maybe I need to learn to ask for comfort from a place of vulnerability instead of attack. Actually open my mouth and say the words: I’m hurting, please make it better, without feeling I’m wrong and weak. And then, actually trusting that the comfort will show up.

Maybe not that exact second. Maybe not in the exact way I’d hoped (because everyone has their own patterns they’re dealing with). But just having faith in someone will make the difference - not always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not always expecting to be let down. Maybe then, the pattern will be broken. 

It’s time to bury the hatchet, with myself. I’m going to take some time and mourn the death of the person I thought I needed to be. The Neelou with a high tolerance for pain needs to be buried. I am not tough. And I have no desire to be. That’s done now.

Death breeds rebirth and in time, I need to embrace the me I’ve always rejected. How can anyone love me for who I really am, if I won’t love myself for it? As long as I continue to judge and reject myself, someone else will too. 

So, it’s time to transform into someone new, shapeshift - integrate all of my parts into a whole, more balanced, true self. Someone who can just accept what is with grace and integrity. One who can accept love without a need to control because faith and trust flow freely in her heart. 

Wish me luck.

be light

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It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days… Lightly, lightly - it’s the best advice ever given me… So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling…

~Aldous Huxley

I am a really sensitive person. I hate to admit it, but it’s true. Until now I’ve viewed sensitive people as weak and inferior somehow - fragile, complicated, intense and overwhelming. All qualities I don’t have a real appreciation for. But denying my essence results in a break with myself and my own true nature, causing little fissures of chaos in my life. Not to mention, it’s this same sensitivity that fuels my greatest gifts. Two sides of the same coin. 

In any situation that peaks my emotional nature, the more I try and be tough and detached, the more my sensitivity grows, exponentially. It’s a slippery slope. But if I just admit my emotions, bravely acknowledge them, without the fear of being swallowed up by what I’m feeling, or being judged, the issue starts dissolving, immediately. 

Incidentally, as I’m writing this, I took a 20 second Instagram break and a friend just posted this message: Don’t forget that you’re human. It’s okay to have a melt down. Just don’t unpack and live there. Cry it out and then refocus on where you’re headed. Yup. Agreed. There are signs and messages everywhere. 

For people like me, and there are a lot of us out there, I feel the only way to really find balance is the quote that begins this blog (you nailed it on the head Mr. Huxley and I wish you were still alive so I could have a conversation with you about it). It’s about choosing to be light. Always. Over and over. And over again. It’s about a willingness to look at every situation you’re faced with and take that moment to acknowledge that there is a chance, even if it’s only a 2% chance, that things aren’t exactly as they seem. It’s about a willingness for a change in perspective - to take the road of the Kabbalist or Marianne Williamson, or the shaman, or whatever belief system works for you. 

I have to accept that I’m not a super simple, happy-go-lucky, careless individual. It’s just not my nature. And it has never been, even when I was a kid. A hummingbird will never be a dolphin but it doesn’t mean that one creature is superior to the other. At the same time, there is also something to be said about holding on to baggage and letting life’s quicksands suck you down. That is a decision. It has less to do with who you are then what you are choosing to feed. Just thinking about it makes me want to stop writing and nap. It’s such a dense vibration.

Today, I had a long overdue conversation with someone who played a huge role in my past. A relationship that has defined much of who I am. My take away from our convo isn’t exactly what I’d hoped it would be but it was exactly what I needed. The only choice I have in life and love is to move forward, lightly. That the only way to prevent baggage, and the past, from sinking its teeth into your present, or future, is to recognize it, acknowledge it, and then let that energy move. Worrying about repeating patterns, trying to figure out why or how, and having regrets just keeps you in that same place. It makes the very thing you are trying to avoid, inevitable. It’s like wearing ankle weights in the ocean. 

It’s been like seven years. I’m tired of treading water. 

Today is a full moon, Lena from The Power Path says: 

This full moon provides an opportunity to commit to experiencing your life with more ease, harmony and synchronicity. It is also possible at this time to integrate your lessons, experiences, all the change you are allowing and all the progress you are making. It is also a good time to bring all those big dreams and intentions into the present, grounding them, and making them practical and tangible. Make a plan and commit to taking the first baby step in the plan required to manifest them. Its a great time to pray for what you want!

It’s also Purim. A time that, Kabbalistically, is about the removal of doubt. Uncertainty is so ingrained into us, well into me at least, that we are blindly conditioned to it. That’s why the greatest challenge we face in life is defeating our own doubt. The energy that is available today is about removal of this doubt. It is about having total faith in the light and maintaining certainty through challenges. I’m pretty sure it’s not a coincidence that it’s the month of March, with the theme of commitment, a full moon and Purim all on the same day with the vernal equinox just a couple of days away.

This has been a very interesting week to say the least. It’s not comfortable by any stretch of the imagination, actually quite the opposite. I feel like every fiber of my being is being stretched and I feel like I’m being tested and pushed to my absolute limits. My biggest insecurities, my deepest fears, all surfacing simultaneously. 

Today, this week, is a time when personal change is fully supported by the Universe and I’m not going to let the illusion of denseness pull me down. Lightly - I’m trying to just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them - take Mr. Huxley’s advice - because really, what other choice do any of us have? If you want to fly to the greatest heights and see magic all around, you gotta be light. There is no other way.  

commitment during Kapha season

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According to The Power Path (which has always been really on point for me, and others who subscribe to their monthly newsletters agree - be your own judge), the theme for the month of March is commitment. I feel the entire monthly forecast can be perfectly summed up in the following three paragraphs:

There is “waiting for and allowing right timing”, and then there is such a thing as showing the universe that you are ready for that right timing to show up. It is called commitment. When you have commitment, there is no back door, there is no turning back and there is no ambivalence or condition under which you will proceed or not proceed.

Until you are committed there is always a chance to change your mind. Some of you are masters at keeping everything just in that place of “not quite there”. This is due to the fear of being trapped or the fear of failing once committed. What is actually true is that there is great freedom once you commit to something. Commitment allows you to release the ambivalence and resistance that takes so much emotional and psychological energy, and it gives the universe something to work with. Commitments are rewarded, ambivalence is not.

There is a part of commitment that supports the cycle of completion. Once you have released your energy behind something you have committed to, it is on a trajectory towards a goal. You need to give this energy a chance to land where it is destined. If you keep yanking it back, you will end up with many incomplete actions and lots of loose ends.

Commitment, or maybe I should say, the lack there of, has been a huge theme in my life and it feels like it’s come to a head this month. Shit tends to repeat in patterns until you learn the lesson, right?

Up until now, I’ve always felt extreme discomfort when trying to make decisions. Even menus too big, like at Jerry’s Deli, send me into a bit of a panic. I can never really decide on anything and feel certain in my decision - a twinge of self-doubt always looms in the back of my mind whispering, What if you made the wrong choice?  

After reading this month’s Power Path forecast, and after some recent occurrences for me personally, I’ve had a complete transformation in perception. I can suddenly see clearly the areas of my life I struggle with, are the exact same areas I’m unwilling to commit in - always one toe in, one toe out. I have a loosey-goosey-airy-fairy-Bohemian flair (masked beneath a very put together, I’ve got my shit straight and know exactly what I’m doing exterior), always fluttering from one flower to the next, never committing myself 100% percent to too many things. I’ve perfected the art of maintaing a wait-and-see attitude about all things - where to live, who to love, what to do in business. I’ll try it and see how it goes, has unknowingly been my motto, until now.  

I dive head first into whatever I’m doing, but in all honesty, I’m kind of a fair-weathered being. Well that’s not entirely accurate. It’s more like, I am in it, 100%, until I’m done. And then I’m 100% done. There’s no wiggle room. No repairing. No back to the drawing board. No convincing me otherwise. With the same conviction that I believed in something at the start, when I’m done, I’m over it. Does that even make sense? If you know me, it will.  

Ya. That’s not working out so well. There isn’t enough at stake to push anything I really care about to a place where it feels solid and in full-bloom. It only took me 35 years to see this, but better late than never. Eh?

Another layer to this time of year is that we are currently in Kapha season (there are two separate links, one on each word) - the time of year where winter melts into spring. It’s a time to cleanse one’s mind/body/soul and then cultivate intense change and transformation with intent- just like Mama Earth. It can be a lethargic, difficult switch but there are ground rules that can help us be efficient with our energy during this time, reaping the most positive results.  Here’s what’s worked for me:

  1. Get really quiet in your mind, and find a relaxed, calming place and time to do some serious contemplation.
  2. Make a list of the areas of your life that are important to you - mine are: me (personally), my relationships (friends/family/love), my environment (including home), my health (and physical body), and my spiritual practice (meditation, gratitude…).
  3. Look at what is flourishing/struggling in those areas and be honest with yourself. Contemplate and acknowledge blockages, without being hard on yourself. For example, with regard to relationships - consider the fact that we accept the love we think we deserve. How is love showing up in your life? And what does that mean you think you deserve? If it’s working, amazing! If not, time to change the belief system. And so on…
  4. Decide with your heart and intuition, first and foremost (not your rational, fear-based, reptilian rationale), what you need to feel balance and fulfillment in the areas you’ve listed.
  5. Then, write down your needs clearly (some examples from my own list: healthy body, quiet mind, time to write, daily Max hangs, a calm, welcoming home…).
  6. Next, start spring cleaning and contemplate your list. Clean out your closets. Throw things away. Part with stuff from the past you’re unnecessarily attached to. There is so much energy in the physical removal of clutter. Move to various parts of your home and office. Even cross items off your to-do list. Do you need to be doing every task on there? Clean out everything
  7. After cleaning, taking hopefully about a week, revisit your list of needs - add what feels right to include and erase what doesn’t really serve you. Finalize this list and write it out clearly.
  8. Next, make action steps that you are willing to commit to for the next three to six months. March is the month of putting yourself 100% behind your choices and decisions. It is the month of the vernal equinox, the Persian Nowrooz, a very significant day in most cultures (and soon following Easter, Passover, etc.) with themes of rebirth, renewal, and transformation. Set new rules and weed out habits that are not currently working for you - keep these steps in line with what your heart and intuition revealed will bring you the most balance. 
  9. Close your eyes and visualize what will happen if you stick to your list for the next season or two. Get excited! Like smiling stupidly excited!! 
  10. In the days and weeks to come, no matter what, maintain the items on your list. Even if you start doubting. Even if it’s hard. And mostly, on the days you least want to. If you need some motivation, repeat step nine. 
  11. Our new mantra: Discipline. Follow-through. Commitment. 

xo, 

N

enough

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I woke up in the middle of the night with a blazing fever. It was so high, I actually felt altered, weaving between consciousness and another dimension. It felt a little bit like Ayahuasca, without the lessons or realizations - bright colors, too bright, portals, time travel, conversations with people so real, I felt they were sitting in my bedroom. 

I’ve been sick, on and off (mostly on), for about a month now. I rarely get ill, even when those closest to me are. Actually, I haven’t even had a legit cold, in over two years. I feel dreadful. And I honestly can’t take it anymore.

During the waking hours of the sun, my fever finally began to subside and I had a moment of clarity. I’m sick because there are some serious changes that need to be made in my life. Every major aspect of my existence is in some state of chaos - work, love, physical body, state of mind - and instead of just taking baby steps to alter my current path, I’ve been handing my power over to others. My present reality is that of a jellyfish - mostly helpless, being whisked around by the currents and violent tides, just stinging anything that scares me. That state of being is toxic. Thus, so am I. 

No more. It’s my life and no dysfunctional situations or people are welcome in it any longer. Under any circumstances. Whatever crutches I’m holding onto, they’re about to be chucked. Whomever I am letting control my peace of mind, I am taking control back from. 

And when I hit the little “post” button below, it is my clear intention to the Universe that serious change is imminent.

Any person or situation taking space in my life, must take serious steps to transform their own energy to flow in peace with mine. Confusion, chaos, fear - from others or myself is no longer welcome. Period. All lovelessness must be transmuted into love. Any disfunction or disease, into function and ease.

Without struggle, fear, or even remorse I will easily release anything that is not vibrating at the frequency of love in my surroundings. And with an open heart, put the final nail in it’s coffin. 

And so it is…

Maybe if I get this tattooed on my skin, it will it become a part of my DNA, for eternity… #lessons #learned #overandover #walkthewalk #rumi #love #fear #groundhogday

Maybe if I get this tattooed on my skin, it will it become a part of my DNA, for eternity… #lessons #learned #overandover #walkthewalk #rumi #love #fear #groundhogday

great advice @baronvonfancy  #magic #monday #love

great advice @baronvonfancy #magic #monday #love

one love.

Photog: Sheila Bina

The yogic ‘love story’ is an inner one; not dependent on others or transitory conditions. Yoga is a path of cultivating a deep sense of oneness with our selves, then with others, and with life itself. Yoga is in fact considered the journey to remembering our true nature, which is said to be a union; love itself.

From Jillian Pransky’s The Yogalicious Blog 

Jillian is one of my favorite yoga teachers. She has such a grounding energy about her classes and I just love her voice. If she taught in Los Angeles, I’d attend her workshops and classes regularly. Her latest blog (excerpt above and you can click on just above this paragraph to read it for yourself) is all about love, of self and others, and is perfect for #28daysoflove.

Enjoy!

ghazal 1246

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Happy hearts day to my heart. This pic is from one of our first dates. I simply adore it, and you…

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.

Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.

~ Jalalud’din Rumi (Translation: Coleman Barks)

bob on love

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One last breathtaking Jamaican sunset with zero filter. And of course a quote from the Rasta King…

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

~Bob Marley

synchronicity on a farm in Jamaica. jah mon.

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According to Vedanta, there are only two symptoms of enlightenment, just two indications that a transformation is taking place within you toward a higher consciousness. The first symptom is that you stop worrying. Things don’t bother you anymore. You become light-hearted and full of joy. The second symptom is that you encounter more and more meaningful coincidences in your life, more and more synchronicities. And this accelerates to the point where you actually experience the miraculous. 

~Deepak Chopra

I work hard. Too hard. I work the way one works when they are trying to avoid something. I keep myself busy at a stupid pace. I get more done in a day than most get done in a week. I cross things off lists like I’m in training for the Olympics List Crossing Competition. My friend Niall calls me Miss Makes Shit Happen. I used to think that’s cool. I’m realizing now, not so much. It’s not noble state of being, at all. It’s escapism. It’s finding validation in what I can accomplish, not just because I am. It’s my biggest challenge and my biggest crutch. I need to learn to surrender.

So I’m in Negril, Jamaica with my friend Bianca, both seeking refuge from running circles on our respective hamster wheels. We took a girls trip, in hopes that the Caribbean’s clear blue salty waves might wash the LA resin off of us. She’s a list crosser too. Birds of a feather… 

To say that B and I are both foodies is a slight understatement. Negril I love you, but I think we missed the memo on where to dine. In dire need of an amazing bottle of wine, flavor-infused cuisine, and warm service, we consulted my laptop, because the locals were sending us to some pretty whack establishments. We came across Zimbali and were instantaneously intrigued. A couple of quick back-and-forth emails with Alecia, the lady of the house, and we had a pick-up scheduled for the following day. B and I were both electric with excitement.

The road to Zimbali was not a smooth one. We shared our forty-five minute trek, through unpaved roads filled with pot holes, with a newly pregnant Indian couple from NYC. B and I sat in the back row of a hot and humid minivan listening to Boyz II Men. It was a breathtakingly beautiful ride, simultaneously uncomfortable, and 100% worth it.

Upon our arrival, we were warmly greeted by Mark, Alecia’s husband and partner in the thriving seven-and-a-half acre organic farm they created seven years ago. For the first two years, the couple lived in the mountains in a hut with no running water and cooked with fire. Together, they transformed acres of weeds into Zambali, and started a family simultaneously. 

The second we walked in, this remote area of Jamaica felt like home. The chillest cats and doggies, true Rastas in demeanor, were roaming about while I chilled on a hammock, taking in the view.  Next came a guided tour. A really cool Rasta with a sharp machete showed us their coconuts, bananas, plantains, cilantro, avocado trees, turmeric, honey bees, the most sensitive plants I’ve ever seen, jack fruit, star fruit, oranges, bamboo, cucumber, yams, carrots, tomatoes, pear trees, cauliflower, broccoli, bok choy, and more.

Finally we sat down to a four-course meal created by Chef O’Brian (this is his first name!) and his sous chef. Everything from the coconut sushi, to the black bean cake with orange reduction, was delectable. Our culinary experience was amazing, and way beyond what either of us expected, but none of it was the inspiration behind this blog post. 

As I’m sure I’ve said before, B and I go to see Marianne Williamson speak at the Saban, in Los Angeles, every Monday night. Obviously this didn’t happen tonight, since we were almost 3,000 miles away. Either way, I got the message I needed from Marianne, loud and clear. 

Bianca and I are both reading her book Only Love Is Real. The book (and her lectures) is based on her interpretations of A Course In Miracles - a thick, blue book that reminds me of the Bible. 

Last night, she and I were up late, like two adolescents having a sleep over party. We talked, we laughed, we listened to music, B read my cards and then the convo turned esoteric. We spoke about A Course In Miracles and both shared how overwhelming the text feels. I’ve had the book since early November and each attempt at reading it has been futile. 

I divulged that, on some level, I know that book is my next spiritual journey. I’ve been on a “spiritual path,” for lack of a better term, since I was a teenager. I’ve practiced yoga since I was 14, studied the Bhagavad Gita, the Yoga Sutras, read Autobiography of a Yogi, studied Kabbalah, finished my 200-hour yoga certification (not to teach, but to learn), I’m obsessed with Rumi (since before Madonna made him popular), I’ve worked with theta healers, followed Shamans into the another plane with Ayahuasca, practiced Somato Respiratory Integration, been worked on by Network Spinal Analysis practitioners, spent 10 days silent in Vipassana meditation, and so much more.

I dive fast and hard into one teaching, soak up every bit I can, learn what I need, change immensely, then on to the next - slowly climbing the ladder to enlightenment, I hope. But, for the past year I’ve been teacherless.

I have a knowing that A Course In Miracles is the next step but I have a stubborn resistance to it. Maybe it’s because it will be the culmination of my spiritual ADD. Who knows. 

So again, short story long - Marianne Williamson, Only Love Is Real - I’ve been reading it in Jamaica. Today, just before the driver picked us up for Zimbali, I decided to bring it with me, knowing full well I’d have zero time to read. After dinner, Mark, our host, was telling us the significance of the name Zimbali and we began speaking of his childhood as the son of a Naval aviator, Zimbabwe, corrupt governments, my time at the United Nations, and the future of politics. We all agreed there needs to be a mass shift in perception before the world can become a more pleasant place to live. 

I asked him if he knew who Marianne Williamson is (since she’s running for office in California) and suddenly a light beamed from Mark’s eyes and he began speaking about A Course In Miracles (which I did NOT bring up). He hurriedly left the room and came back in, dropping a heavily used, faded, dogeared copy of of the book, right in front of me with a thud. He flipped through the worn pages showing me all of his notes. Bianca and I looked at one another in disbelief, and the Indian couple looked over with awe as Mark excitedly told us how it took him a year to get through the book and how it changed his life.  

Mark showed us Marianne’s most famous quote hanging near the living room. We shared with him our experiences at her weekly lectures and he told us he’s been wanting to read Marianne’s book Only Love Is Real, for years, but hasn’t had the chance. I then knew why I’d brought my copy…

I think I’m lucky, I have angels and protectors and messengers that find me. Even when I ignore the quiet nudging of my intuition and busy myself with so much nonsense, the important stuff gets overlooked. It’s funny I needed to travel 3,000 miles from home, to meet a stranger on a Jamaican farm, just to hear a message clearly.  

I return to LA in a couple of days and give the Universe, and anyone reading this, my word - no excuses - I’m going to start the course immediately. #28daysoflove 

xo, 

Neelou